Murder By Golf Gun

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of JuanGonzalez.


'How was he killed?' asked one detective.


'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.


'A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?'


'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."


She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."


"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.


"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Damn Dishes

So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow.


So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting. So he stops at the drugstore on the way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline.

He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes.

"They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his dates panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off, but doesn't say a word. (He doesn't want to do these dishes).

Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table, rips her panties off, and starts fuckin. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still doesn't say anything.


He's thinkin, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the table, goes to work. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys gettin desperate, so he grabs little sister.....tosses her up on the table. Dad's REAL pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun.....still not a word, though.


Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, grabs the Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidently makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."

Still Up In Bed

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."


The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."


Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."


The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"


The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

A Penis Study

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.


After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

A Lesson In Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class and your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '


The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'


The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

The Horth Whithperer

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending afriend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'


So he shows him a prized filly.


'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?


So the guy picks up th e midget and he gives the horse's eyes the onceover.


'Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth'?


So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.


'Nith earth. Can I see her mouf?'


The rancher is getting pretty ticked off, but he picks him up again andshows him the horse's mouth.


'Nith mouf. Can I see her twot?'


Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his armsand rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pullshim out and slams him on the ground.


The midget gets up sputtering and coughing.


'Perhaps I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound awiddlebit?'

The Tall Women and The Midget

A tall woman met a midget at a party.


The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment."I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

The Australian Way

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry.

She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old and finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.

After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.

Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman?"

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

Bathing Suit

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.


It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.


'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'


'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one'.

Just an E-mail Note

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.


When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.


Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.


When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.


At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:


Dearest Wife,


Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Apples and Oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.


Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"

Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

No Great Loss

Bill Clinton is visiting a school.



In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."



One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."



"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."



A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."



"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."



The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.



"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"



Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."



"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"



"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

Nice Bike

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Two Old Pensioners

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence.

Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.

Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.

Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

All Blue

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"

"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.

After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it. "You want to die?" asks the doctor.

"But...how do I pee?"

"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry."Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

"What?"

"Can you tell me what the hell is happening?"

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"

Washcloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby.

One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

A Dirty Fork

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picksup a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind mancomes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I takeit to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks inand sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already havethe fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

Insemination

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help .

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.'No', she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.

Duties of Wives

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Welsh girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

God Bless Welsh Women!!!

Sandwich

Beep Beep

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation.

At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up."

He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hop into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said, "What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

Eight

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.I'd love to be eight again' she replied.On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation... 'I meant my dress size, you f.......g idiot.

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....

Dam Fish

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

Four Nuns

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection.

The first one says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand."

St. Peter says: "You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in."

The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands."

St. Peter: "Wash both your hands and go in."

Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks "What's going on?"

One of them shouts "I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there".

S.O.B.

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"